I am, as I have already intimated, a woman 'of a certain age' and I think it is fair to say that nature (and repeated surgery - another time) are taking their toll and leave me in the shade nowadays. where once I was a beautiful bloom, if only I had had the sense and confidence to realise that, I am now that faded rose that will drop it's petals if you dare to touch it. Oh don't get me wrong, I can still be made to resemble beauty, so long as the lighting is kind and you do not come too close, but it is definitely a faded beauty these days. Well I suppose the same could be said for my body parts and functions too and in particular my bladder which seems to have its own rhythm and screams for release whenever it sees fit. Now! No, not when it is convenient for you to stop and use a facility but now, right this minute now!! I am forced into wearing 'lady nappies' and I cannot tell you the amount of humiliation that this fills me with. I mean for Gods sake what has happened to me? Really? Half a lifetime and I'm reduced to a lady nappy for those moments for when I simply cannot control my geriatric bladder? Where has the wild tequila swigging amazonian who swore that she would rather die than grow old disappeared to? Please bring her back because, God knows, I miss her and I simply do not recognise this semi-incontinent wreck who seems to be inhabiting her space and stares back from the mirror before me.
I digress - the day in question was a fairly typical day. I had taken my daughter to see the doctor and was taking on to school when the 'caught short' urge struck. Now my brain had to judge whether I could make it to the end of my journey and use a proper convenience or not. Or not came the rapid answer, and so as I was driving along a leafy country lane I started to scan and scout for a suitable place at which to stop the car. I kept slowing down to survey each spot to see whether I would be overlooked, and as each location was despatched as unsuitable, the urgency grew. I could help but notice that the radio was with deafening irony now blasting out the Weather Girls 'Its raining Men'
"Tonight for the first time, right about half past ten, for the first time in history its gonna start raining…"
"Its going to start raining something!" screams my bloody bladder!
And there it is, the perfect spot. A lay-by to the right of a the road beside a crossroads and to the left a large ploughed field surrounded by a hedge. Perfect and in the nick of time and I pull over before I reach the "absolutely soaking wet" parody of the Weather Girls. My daughter eyes me with faint disgust but is resigned to the vagaries of her mother's temperamental bladder by now and I see in her eyes a silent note never to become her mother, not ever! Watch carefully young lady, for here be monsters, whether you like it or not…
I cross the road quickly and duck into the field. It really is the perfect location, a loo with a view, I note smugly as I hurry across the rough clods towards the hedge. It's rough scrub, piles of sticks and bracken growing. I pick a spot and with a quick check around I undo my jeans and drop down to… well surely detail at this point is quite unnecessary, you get the picture, when out of the corner of my eye I see a movement. I snap my head around and see a black snake rearing up to strike just about 2 ft away from me!
"Dear Fucking God you Bastard what the Fucking Fuck?!" ...is roughly what I thought as I simultaneously leapt and redressed in the nanosecond before it struck out. Now just how a disabled middle aged crouching woman who was desperate to wee managed to move faster than… well faster than a racing snake is truly beyond logic but thankfully that is what happened. I did manage to get a damn good look at the snake which meant that I was later able to identify it as a Black Adder, only the rarest snake in the whole of the UK! Lucky old me, not. Have I mentioned I have a snake phobia? No? Well I do, and I still had an overwhelming urge to pee and a heart thumping fear of a hidden snake foe. My life is such fun sometimes, the dilemmas. I did the only sensible thing left and went into the middle of the field not caring who could see me.
There is no dignity to Black Adder Slack Bladder
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